Our commercial starts the same way a tragic story does on the evening news, with two bright-eyed children following an eccentric man, who made promises of sweets, into the woods alone. Nancy Grace, if you’re reading this, calm down and I’ll explain. Two children and what we’re told is the Sunshine Baker-Man stroll into a Bob Ross painting on a cloudy day. Why is he the Baker-Man and not just the Baker? Because the tune of “The Candy-Man Can” insists on five syllables to continue the rhythm. What happens next is a series of events that are either explained through baker’s magic (an art form lost to the seas during the Great Flood) or the children trying to justify their poor decisions with their insufferable imagination.
The clouds are parted, thus starving the dried forest of its much needed rain, so the sun can come out and imbue the dancing chef with the powers of solar energy. Millions of embers cascade from his bloodied fingertips and shower the children in the burning power of a thousand suns. But oh wait! Cookies! Not just any cookies, mind you – these are Chippy Chews! Now, I’ve had chewy, homemade cookies and they’re great! But these are prepackaged cookies that are so chemically raped that they remain “soft” even in the bag. Personally, I find these types of cookies to taste like lies and devil’s milk. But, these children have made their choice and they’re going to make the most of it.
“Cookies” in hand, the children now begin to hop about a giant cookie trampoline. What makes this trampoline a thing of nightmares rather than dreams is that it’s broken in half. I can only assume, since we can’t see the rest of the scene beneath them, that there is a twisting dark vortex that the severed cookie trampoline floats above. The Baker-man leaps across, practically daring his young prizes to follow him. Naturally, they make it across, but in moment’s time they will wish they hadn’t.