Jukebox Tales – “All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You” by Heart (1990)

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Jukebox Tales – “All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You” by Heart (1990)

Today begins the first in a new series of music video reviews. The idea came from our own Innosin but I’ll be handling at least the first in the category. The video comes to us from the band Heart and helps put visuals to the balls-out crazy song “All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You” (1990). Heart is a great band, and I love their songs “Crazy on You” and “Barracuda.” However this one… this one is just all out stupid. Let’s just dive in, shall we?

Before Match.com, this is how people met.

The video opens with a woman driving at night in the rain. You stick a woman in a car and send her off to drive in a downpour in the night, and you’re just asking for trouble. But instead of running into a telephone pole, she picks up a hitchhiker. The song explains that he had no umbrella or coat, so we’re led to believe, for now, that she picked him up because she felt sorry for the poor soul. When he gets in, it’s revealed he’s good looking and wears a leather jacket. Typical guy you find on the side of the road, right? I didn’t think so either.

"I sure hope he doesn't murder me. That would make him more terrible than me!"

So, we don’t learn where the guy is going, or where the woman is going either, but I’m sure the guy at least didn’t plan to head to the local $5 motel (that “she knows well”) they pull up to. Nowhere in the lyrics does it say they hit it off right away, shared a mutually shared attraction, love at first sight, nothing. So it makes it all the more sudden when she seemingly hits up the motel purely to bang this guy. Okay, you can’t really be surprised some sex was going to happen with a song titled “All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You,” but generally there’s more build up than that, or at least a better story to explain why they’re so quick to hit the sack. She didn’t even ask him his name (as the song notes)! One odd thing in the video is how sad she looks before she parks the car. Obviously, she knows what’s coming, and soon you will too.

Nothing more romantic than choking a bitch out.

As the story goes, the two have the best sex ever. She’s just having the time of her life with this NAMELESS HITCHHIKER she’s known for 5 MINUTES. The song doesn’t get into any more details than “he brought the woman out of me, too many times, too easily,” as if she was expecting to offer up a challenge to the valiant knight. So the next morning, the woman leaves. How’s that for an M. Night twist? All she leaves is a note, which reads: “I am the flower, you are the seed. We walked in the garden, we planted a tree.” Right about now the guy is far too tired from pulling women out of her with ease to know what the hell she’s talking about, but the note goes on to request he doesn’t try to find her. I’m sure he’s relieved, though now he needs to find someone to pull all those men out of him. Probably has to start hitchhiking again too.

The band continues to play the chorus now, with all their 80’s hair in a 90’s video, the camera spinning around with nausea inducing speed, and Ann Wilson’s hair is bigger than ever. Anyway, back to the story. We get a few more shots of the two doing it in low orange light, which is the most romantic light you can do it in. The story jumps forward to see the hitch hiker working at the hotel desk. So I guess that night was just so horrifying he dared not risk it again and stayed in one place, lest some Jezabel abduct him from the side of the road and plant trees with him. In walks our woman of the night, from the rain because they live in Seattle or something, carrying a baby. Oh shit.

The tree they planted in Eden.

Sure enough, the baby is his, and she (i.e. the song) explains that she’s in love with another man, but he couldn’t get her knocked up so she got her sperm from someone else. I’m too lazy to look up when sperm banks started popping up, but even if the date is 1991, I’m sure she could have found a better way to put a bun in the oven than finding some random guy on the road and having unprotected sex with him. In no universe should this woman be given a baby to care for.

All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You 2: Revenge of the Tree

The song ends there. There’s no redemption for our flower, and the seed is left palming his face so hard he’s rubbing skull. The band keeps playing for another minute, reminding us of the woman’s nefarious plan, and ends with one of the members singing the lyrics to her instrument before kissing it tenderly. A set up for the sequel I hope.

 

 

 

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