Pokemon – 003 – Ash Catches a Pokemon!

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Pokemon – 003 – Ash Catches a Pokemon!

The moon landing, 9/11, and Ash catching his first Pokemon. Moments in television history that beg the question “Where were you when?” This episode chronicles the first Pokemon Ash ever caught. Oh sure it happens in the first 30 seconds of the show, and the Pokemon, Caterpie, was so weak that the blow to the head by the tossed Pokeball was enough to subdue it into said ball, but dammit that’s not the point. You always remember your first, in spite of how much it may pale in comparison to subsequent moments thereafter. Ash doesn’t care how paltry this literal worm is – because it’s his first.

poke103 - ash catches caterpie

Bitch ‘bout to get caught


Virgins are so appreciative of their first time

Caterpie puts up a good fight, trying to break free of its new home (see: prison) but eventually succumbs to the digital brainwashing that goes on inside. I mean that has to be the case. First they budge and shove to break the metal ball, fighting against their digitized form inside to try and return to the physical plane, but, if they’re weak enough, they are lulled into submission under their new battle lord.

While Ash is overjoyed, Misty is anything but pleased. You see, Misty is a girl, and as a girl is afraid Caterpie, a bug, will crawl up into her vagina and lay eggs or something. I can understand a fear of bugs, but Caterpie looks like a living plush doll (which is scary on its own merits, actually), so I wonder if she sees Caterpie differently than we do.

poke103 - real life caterpieSomething like that. 

Even if that’s not the case, Caterpie doesn’t present a strong case why it shouldn’t be feared, as in the first moments of its freedom (see: slavery) it speeds over to Misty’s naked leg and makes sweet love to the pale stem.

poke 103 - caterpie love leg

“Baby, you and I gonna make some freaky ass babies.”

Despite Captain Caterpie’s sweet moves, Misty breaks its tiny green heart. Instead of admitting that his first Pokemon is a dud, Ash defends Caterpie’s honor and takes him on pirate style, leaving Misty to fend for herself in the dark forest of Viridian.

poke103 - caterpie sad

“Forget about her. There’s plenty of legs in the sea.” 

poke 103 - pirate ash 

Not that Misty likes them or anything, but she follows the newly formed trio on their path through the woods. The forest is one big mother, however, and they have to take a night of rest under the stars. While the human masters sleep, Caterpie and Pikachu discuss matters of consequence, such as philosophy, politics, and the ending of LOST.

poke 103 - ash sleepingbag

“When I grow up, I’m gonna be a Caterpie!” 

poke 103 - pikachu and caterpie 
“…and that’s why the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.”

Now there’s nothing like a good rest to bring up your bitchiness, as Misty proves by shooting Caterpie down once again for existing. In only two episodes Misty has established herself as a selfish bitch who is only interested in getting a new bike and possibly robbing Ash and wearing his clothes like Lando did to Han. At least that’s the vibe I’m getting.

But slapping the red off Misty will have to wait, because a Pidgeotto just swooped in! Holy tits! Sure Ash failed to catch the lesser form, Pidgey, in the first ep, but after blowing up a hospital and casually catching a worm, he’s more than powerful enough now to catch this vicious bird. Sadly, we get another glimpse into the enigma that is Ash, as he forgoes any battling and tries to catch the bird by just throwing the ball at it. It seems Ash isn’t interested in battling at all, and probably wants to catch Pokemon just send back to his mom to kill, stuff, and mount for show. Pidgeotto has no time to humor Ash and deflects the ball with ease. Ash must figure since he caught Caterpie so easily, he can catch any Pokemon easily. Maybe he just wasn’t ready for his first time.

poke 103 - pidgeotto block

“Cracker, please.”

Although he knows it’ll probably lessen their value if he battles with them, Ash really wants that fucking bird. So he decides to battle! Now, those in the know are aware that Pidgeotto is a Flying type, which is weak against electric and strong against Bug. What would you do in this situation? That’s right, now take that and do the opposite and you know what Ash does. Send out a worm against a bird. A bird that just landed and ate a worm right in front of him.

The law of nature is cruel and swift and Pidgeotto makes short work of the green bug. Before it can have its innards torn out by the sharp beak, Ash whips into shape and sends out Pikachu! And what a surprise, Pikachu weakens the bird quickly and easily and Ash adds another creature to his band of misfits.

The celebration will have to wait, however, because Team Rocket is back in the game! Oh what could these masters of evil want this time? To get Pikachu! It beat them last time, so it must be super duper powerful! Follow the logic if you must, but leave a trail of bread crumbs because you might get lost.

poke 103 - team rocketAlways putting on a show. They’re like Vegas style villains. 

Things get underway as Ash is challenged with KOFFING and Ekans! Pikachu is out of commission early when it is blinded by a sludge attack from KOFFING. Ash has to act fast and battle but he can’t use Caterpie, it’s too weak from that pounding it took from Pidgeotto. So he sends out Pidgeotto, who in all rights is probably too weak from the battle with Pikachu but fuck you we have a show to do.

Pidgeotto does alright at first, evading attacks left and right, but soon the 2v1 battle is too much for the speedy bird and it’s taken out. So what is Ash to do now? Pikachu is blinder than Stevie Wonder and Pidgeotto just got his ass sacked. Well I guess Ash will have to rush and and start punching the shit out of Eka- OH WAIT! He still has Caterpie! He may win this yet! What’s that, Misty has Pokemon too? Shut up, this isn’t that bitch’s fight.

Sure he’s wounded, small, and will probably be severed in two and Ash will feel such guilt that he’ll give up Pokemon training and return home to his whore mother, but dammit Caterpie can do it! Oh they laugh at him at first, mocking the tiny bug’s feeble attempt at life, but Ash believes in him, and orders the use of a String Shot! Like a Russian sleeper agent hearing the trigger phrase “lollipop giraffe,” Caterpie snaps into action and coats KOFFING and Ekans in the sticky white fluid and knocks them into each other, defeating them outright! When Meowth fails yet again in a battle, Team Rocket blasts off – oh wait, they run away. Well that works too.

poke 103 - caterpie wounded 

“Look, guys, I don’t want no trouble, okay?”

poke 103 - koffing coated 

“Sure I’m defeated, but I’ll always have the Lord Jesus Christ in me to keep my spirits up.”

Ash has won yet again by sheer luck that his Pokemon are impossibly strong and resilient! Or maybe there’s something special about this boy that will lead him to greatness… No it’s probably just beginner’s luck. In any case, Caterpie has earned a warrior’s rest, and decides to coat himself in his own pale fluid and evolve into Metapod – HOLY SHIT! That’s three new Pokemon for Ash in one episode! At this rate he’ll have 150 by his first gym battle – which I’m sure he’ll win fair and square and not through pity.

vlcsnap-2010-06-15-04h53m38s148“The name’s Apathypod, or whatever, and I’m here to serenade you with sweet sweet love, or not – I don’t care.”

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